1. Do the math.
Number of likes is directly proportional to number of friends. You need to go crazy with the ‘add friend’ button. Start with your school friends, then college, then office. Then neighbors, your Gym friends, your parent’s friends, your children’s friends. Then friends of friends, cousins of friends, friends of cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents. Some people have pets on Facebook, check that. Did I mention grandparents?
If you still haven’t hit 1000 and not added the entire neighborhood in your friend’s list you are obviously not hitting the ‘add friend ‘ button hard enough.
Remember 6 degrees of separation was a law that applied before Facebook. Now you are 1 mutual friend away from the rest of the planet.
2. Stay active.
Get up in the morning, grab a coffee and like everything on the home page. Especially profile pics and family pics. People will always remember that you liked their new haircut or their new dog.You don’t have to read the long updates. Just hit like. Remember if you don’t like people, people won’t like you.
3. Keep posting.
Start with profile pics. Don’t be sensitive. If you have liked enough profile pics be confident that yours will be liked too. No matter that you look like the backside of a bus these days. Wide angle, crop, airbrush, photoshop and post. Be brave. Be confident. If you are lazy but smart like me, put an old college pic with a comment ‘ o this was taken a few months ago.’ Don’t tell them it was 300 months ago.
Post every dinner, every holiday, every movie, every shopping expedition, till posting becomes an autonomic neurological response, like a gag reflex.
Remember, life is not meant to be enjoyed, it is meant to be posted.
The day you post an update with a picture of your morning poop, know that you have arrived.
4. Be professional.
If you are dependent on the Facebook network to market your art, media or professional services, learn to be ruthless. And shameless. There is no shame for a 1000 likes. If somebody inboxes you a compliment cut and paste it to your Facebook wall. People need to know what a celebrity you are, and how much your fans appreciate you.
Only three people attended your event? Never mind. Post 30 pictures. 10 of the event poster, 10 of you ( only the long shots with your belly tucked in), and 10 close ups of the attendees. Remember the success of the event is directly proportional to the number of people you can tag.
5. Get a life.
Not enough likes? Comments, messages, notifications taking a dip? Time to take out the heavy artillery. Take a holiday to Hawaii. And lose some weight before that. No use looking fat in a sarong on the cover page. And never ever forget your shades. Shades are to profile pics what
parachutes are to sky divers.
Hawaii not possible? Golf? A Louis Vuitton bag slung casually over your shoulder? No? Jimmy Choo? No? Then be smart and creative. Paint your toenails and make it your cover page.
Remember you haven’t lived till you’ve been liked on Facebook.
6. Like the ones you hate.
Friend them, stalk them, follow them and then like them to death. Every post, every status update, every picture must be liked. Even though you hate that they look thinner, better and younger than you.
Remember that in the Facebook world there are no enemies, only friends. Friends are enemies and enemies are friends. You’ll die confused. But baby that’s just the way it is.
7. Don’t intellectualize Facebook. Survive it.
If you must intellectualize Facebook be clever like me. Make it your status update, like this one. Still, it would be much smarter to focus on surviving Facebook.
Like adding friends, liking posts and getting the right angle for selfies, which my dear in spite of what people might say IS rocket science .
Remember those who do not adapt, perish.
Facebook may not BE life. But Facebook is definitely FOR life.
Therefore, when in doubt, add friend.
Think! Some of your grandparent’s friends may still be alive. Your children’s friend’s parents? Your cousin’s in-laws? Your brother’s classmates? Is your maid on Facebook ?